Tuesday, May 1, 2012

David Stern: Letters To Himself

May 1, 2012

Dear David,

Our quest to destroy the National Basketball Association has entered a new phase. It has been a long, arduous journey, but the end is in sight. You must stay the course.

Remember why you do this, David: ever since you realized that you were too short to actually play basketball, you knew the league that you helped to build must be destroyed. It wouldn't be easy, but it would be worth it. Someday, all NBA broadcasts will be replaced by three-hour slide shows of your face, and your hard work will pay off.

First, we tried over-expansion. It was a good idea, David. Who would have thought that Charlotte, Minnesota, Toronto, and Orlando all would have been able to support a team enough to keep the league out of bankruptcy? Too bad no one bought into that whole Europe idea. That would have worked in a hurry.

Then we tried lockouts. You were so close at the beginning of the year. Who knew it could be so simple, getting a bunch of rich people to fight over a giant pile of money none of them need? You did David, that's who. And you would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling kids. Only one season without the NBA, and America would have realized how much more fun it is to watch college basketball.

Now, Operation Destruction Of The Star System is successfully under way. Good job tricking Derrick Rose into actually working hard. No one who wants to stay healthy does that. And putting that fire extinguisher case in Amar'e's line of sight? Too easy.

There are only a few more pieces left in your plan. Make sure the Heat win the title this year. LeBron's big head is one ego trip away from a career-ending brain hemorrhage. You can let Father Time take care of Kevin Garnett, and it seems like simply a matter of weeks until Metta World Peace completely snaps and eats Kobe Bryant.

Once you've finished exacting your revenge, don't forget to call Dick Cheney before he dies, so the two of you can go ahead with your schoolboy dreams of taking over the world. And remember, David: you are a beautiful man, no matter what those jerks on the interweb say.

Love always,


1 comment:

  1. Playoff Hockey is better than Playoff Basketball - Stern should use this to his advantage, perhaps having the announcers promote the NHL on other networks during the broadcast?