Suck to Unsuck the Suck for Luck

Indianapolis was well on their way to a historic season. Two weeks ago, 0-16 was pointing straight at them. And their fans could not be happier. Some franchises go 40 years without a competent quarterback. Indianapolis was about to secure back-to-back superstar quarterbacks in Peyton Manning and Andrew Luck. All that stood in their way was 3 division games.

It was at this point that, according to unnamed sources, owners Bud Adams, Bob McNair, and whoever owns the Jacksonville Jaguars put in motion what's been called "Suck for Not Luck." The plan was to simply out-tank the tanking Colts. Whenever the Colts started to suck, they would suck even harder.

The Colts first matchup came against the Tennessee Titans. Despite desperately needing the win to make the playoffs, the Titans could not afford to hand the Colts the number one pick. Three turnovers, including a pick-six, and one 80-yard TD run due to "poor tackling" later, the AFC South was one win closer to facing Justin Blackmon for the next decade.

Next, the Dan Orlovsky led Colts welcomed the Houston Texans on Thursday Night. Being a nationally televised game, the Texans had to make sure that it wasn't too obvious that they were not trying. But, when leading by 4 points, the Texans smartly decided to take Pro Bowl cornerback Jonathan Joseph off Reggie Wayne in the final seconds, allowing him to score the game winning touchdown. The AFC South was again one win closer to having to face Justin Blackmon next year.

This Sunday, the Indianapolis Colts will visit the Jacksonville Jaguars. Unlike the Texans and Titans, the Jaguars don't have to pretend they suck. They just need to make sure Blaine Gabbert is a crucial part of their gameplan. The AFC South could be decided for the next 15 years on Sunday. For better or worse.

The Greatest Athlete of All Time: Kim Jong-il

Last name General. First name Invincible and Ever-Triumphant.

Although he never went to the bathroom, The Beloved and Respected Father was too busy kidnapping movie stars, being a world class dj, inventing hamburgers, and saving his country from famine by breeding giant rabbits to go pro. There is no doubt that the world benefited from his selfless decision to steer clear of pro sports and instead dictate the Democratic People's Republic of North Korea. Despite never playing professionally, Kim Jong-Il, The Great Sun of Life, is the greatest athlete in history.

The first criteria for the greatest athlete is dominance in his sport(s). The greatest athlete is not the best in a made up event that awards sub-world-class skill in a number of sports; as they say: jack of all trades, master of none. He is so good at the sports that he competes in that no one cares about his ability in other sports.

The second criteria is talent in multiple sports. The greatest athlete needs to have a wide range of skills that cover a wide range of sports. Being good at football and rugby, or bocce ball and curling, earns no extra points. On the contrary, baseball and football require vastly different skill sets and thus require a great athlete to excel at both.

The third criteria is playing sports that people have access to. Success in sports with location or money barriers to playing are discounted. An athlete who is dominant in a sport that has a low participation rate would probably not be professional if other people tried it, and he also doesn't get paid. Athletes in sports that aren't played in America are immediately removed from consideration because the best non-American at something is probably about the hundredth best in the world. Sorry, men's field hockey.

The Ever-Victorious, Iron-Willed Commander sweeps all three criteria. The first time he golfed, he shot a 34 (-38) with 11 holes-in-one at the 7,700 yard Pyongyang Golf Course. No PGA golfer could beat that score in mini golf. More impressive, The Great Sun of the Nation did this at age 52. His natural athleticism was so overwhelming that it transcended both age and preparation. Naturally, his athleticism was too much for the low ceiling of bowling. In his first game at Pyongyang Lanes, The Bright Sun of the 21st Century rolled a 300. Just like when you stop playing baseball in your friend's backyard because it's too easy to hit a homerun, The Great Man Who Descended From Heaven never returned to bowling. Although golf and bowling are not very popular sports, they cover a large part of the American population because there is little overlap between participants. Who goes from the country club to $3 pitcher night at the alley? While golf has a cost barrier to entry that prohibits young potential athletes, the barrier's effect is minimized because all professional athletes golf after their season ends; not all potential athletes golf, but all proven ones do.

'Twas the Night Before a Sports Casual Christmas

 
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the House,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Tebow soon would be there

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar plums danced in their heads
And mama in her kerchief, and I in my cap,
had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap

When out on the roof I heard such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter
Away to the window I flew like a flash
Tore open the shutter, threw up the sash

The moon on the breast of new fallen snow
Gave the lustre of midday to objects below
when, what to my wandering eye should appear
but a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer

With a little old driver, so lively and quick
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick
More rapid than eagles, his courses they came
and he whistled and shouted and called them by name

"Now Dasher! Now Dancer!
Now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid!
On, Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch!
To the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away!
Dash away all!" 

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, 'ere he drove out of sight,
 

"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!" 


Joe Silvestro is a regular contributor to Sports Casual, check back every Funday Friday for his witticisms concerning the Wide World of Sports.  Email him at jsilvestro21@gmail.com

NFL Power Rankings

With only 2 weeks remaining in the NFL regular season, 4 division races and 3 wild cards are still up for grabs. Let's take a look at the power rankings to see how the final 2 weeks of the season might play out.

Top 5 Teams
1. Green Bay Packers
2. New England Patriots
3. New Orleans Saints
4. San Francisco 49ers
5. Baltimore Ravens

Top 5 Teams I Still Can't Believe Are Actually Good
1. San Francisco 49ers
2. Houston Texans
3. Detroit Lions
4. Cincinnati Bengals
5. Denver Broncos

Top 5 Teams With Players Accused Of A Felony
1. Green Bay Packers
2. New England Patriots
3. Baltimore Ravens
4. Pittsburgh Steelers
5. Chicago Bears

Top 5 Teams With Players Convicted Of A Felony
1. New York Jets
2. Cincinnati Bengals
3. Philadelphia Eagles
4. Washington Redskins
5. Tampa Bay Buccaneers, pending trial

Top 5 Teams With God On Their Side
1. Denver Broncos
2. Denver Broncos
3. Denver Broncos
4. Denver Broncos
5. Pittsburgh Steelers

Christmas Cheer

In this season of giving, it’s time to throw away your Christmas Bonuses by risking it all on things that are impossible to predict. But don’t worry, I’ve found 6 NBA bets* that will give you a real chance at cashing in. Let’s get to it.

Chris Paul alley-oop passes over/under Chris Paul field goals – I’m taking the over. Blake and DeAndre will get the majority and hopefully they'll bring back Jamario Moon so we can see more of this.

Houston Rockets will finish the season as the 9^th seed in the west (50/1 odds) – The worst possible three-peat in basketball. Not only do you never make the playoffs, but you can’t even get a good draft pick. Houston’s only hope is to get Terrence Williams more minutes in the hope that he forgets how to play basketball every time he goes in the game. That or Hasheem Thabeet. Tanking at its finest.

Demarcus Cousins over/under .5 nights hanging out with Jimmer Fredette this year – I’m pretty sure these two have a total of zero things in common. Except for the fact that Tyreke Evans won’t pass them the ball.

Chris Bosh being traded to the Mavericks in order to sabotage their title hopes (25/1) – A similar bet involving Juwon Howard, the ultimate basketball curse, is also available for 5/1 odds.

Blake Griffin accidentally killing someone on the basketball court this year (10/1 odds) – Those odds can more than make up for the moral implications of cheering for Earl Boykins to take a charge against Blake.

Mascot most likely to get hurt first: whoever the new Philadelphia 76ers mascot will be (60/1 odds) - If someone doesn't trip the Ben Franklin mascot during his first NBA game, I want my money back.

*These bets may or may not be real