Are You There God? It’s Me, Mike D’Antoni

 

Are you there God?

It’s me, Mike D’Antoni.  What the hell?  The Bobcats?  Really?  First you took Iman’s ankle and I get it, he’s a young kid not used to NBA action thanks to the lockout.  Then you took Amar’’’e’s ankle, but I didn’t say anything because as long as you leave his knees alone I can’t complain.  Now we get back to full strength, and we lose to the 2nd coming of Fat Shawn Kemp?

I just don’t understand, I thought I was your favorite son (ok, second favorite); I’m the man with the golden mustache, the guy who invented a fast paced, no defense system and poof – there’s Steve Nash in my lap, the greatest Canadian since Dudley Do Right.  I decided to change it up and take my talents to New York and bam – Amar’e Stoudamire the four-eyed power forward follows me there.  It was as if I could do no wrong.  Eddy Curry and Jerome James grew to biblical proportions, Shawne Williams stayed out of jail long enough to hit a couple of threes, everything was going my way.  I’ve done everything you’ve asked for God; I sacrificed Grant Hill’s knees in Phoenix, I took in a lost lamb when nobody else would care for him.  

Is it because you’ve found a new favorite?  Don’t think I didn’t notice that since he arrived, everything’s been different.  Is it because we’ve committed a deadly sin, like sloth?  That should’ve been offset by the cross Billy Walker has tattooed across his entire chest.  Is it because I’m Italian?  Lavazza has great flavor, and I promise that if I ever meet Benito Mussolini I’ll kill him, really I will.  

All I want is a sign; give me a sign, anything.  The next time Josh Smith takes a three, make it go in – surely that’s nothing short of divine intervention.  The next time Lebron James ruins his reputation, make him apologize – that would be nothing short of a miracle.  Part the sea of hair gel on Pat Riley’s head.  I don’t want to have to turn to the occult and Eastern religion, but I will if I have to; maybe Buddha will listen to my problems.  I don’t want a championship, I don’t want a defense.  All I want to do is beat the Bobcats, and the Raptors, and every other team located in a city with 50 basketball fans or less (Miami, looking at you).

Hugs and Half Court Shots,

Mikey from Italy

Joe Silvestro is a regular contributor to Sports Casual, check back every Funday Friday for his witticisms concerning the Wide World of Sports.  Email him at jsilvestro21@gmail.com