Hipster Linebacker

Oh, you made the playoffs with a winning record? That's so mainstream.

NBA Players to Remain on Strike Indefinitely

As news of a collective bargaining agreement between the NBA and the NBPA sweeps across the nation and sports columnists, TV network executives, and Kobe Bryant bashers breathe a sigh of relief, there is one important issue that remains uncovered. While the media has covered the details of the new CBA extensively and have begun to illuminate the new 2011-2012 season schedule, little has been said of the players themselves. While agents and advertisers have started to talk in definitive terms about the prospect of a new season, players themselves are more hesitant.

"At first I was disappointed, sure," said Celtic forward Kevin Garnett, "but I was really getting used to the idea of going a whole year without basketball. I was all ready to cozy up on my couch, grab my DVDs, and watch a Burn Notice marathon with director's commentary on Christmas Day. Now I'm being told that I'll have to chase aggressive, sweaty men for over 2 hours."

Mr. Garnett was not alone. One Landry Fields had told reporters that he was "all ready to put [his] Stanford degree to good use" when asked by an excited gaggle of reporters if he would be prepared for the regular season. Said Fields, "several marketing firms tried to hire me this offseason. I thought I was getting an endorsement, but then they explained to me that they wanted to pay me a 6 figure salary to sit around an office making powerpoints all day. That sounds way easier than trying to play defense." Continued Mr. Fields, "apparently, Stanford University is a pretty good school. Who knew?"

While the thought of ignoring professional basketball to focus on "other, more important things, like my rap career" is tantalizing, according to Suns' point guard Steve Nash, "I guess I just have to get back out on the court and have thousands of people I don't know jeer at me and accuse me of being 'the beneficiary of subtle racial bias.'"

Even legendary Center JaVale McGee had started to adjust to life without basketball. "Me want play basketball next year, play modern warfare 3 this year," he asserted when reached for comment.

Although many players had been using their time off for personal betterment, countless others have taken this opportunity to give back to their respective communities. Several members of the Miami Heat have even begun developing an acute interest in politics, and have become a part of the famous "Occupy Wall Street Movement." Center Chris Bosh read several books and scholarly papers on the American political system over the summer, and he was immediately transfixed. "It is an incredibly unjust country that we live in," said Bosh, while speaking from a podium at Zuccotti Park, "and the more that I have studied it, the more I have realized that we need change on a structural level before we can even begin the healing process." Bosh's voice dropped momentarily as he affirmed his solidarity through muffled sobs, "I am the 99 percent.

However, the prospect of a work stoppage was not met with optimism by all NBA players. After Bosh's speech drew thunderous applause, there are reports that a 6'8" man named LeBron emerged in riot gear and began pepper spraying women and small children while screaming, "Why have you people stopped throwing buckets of money at me? I am the 1 percent!" LeBron has said that he is anxious to resume playing basketball.

At press time, it is unclear if the NBA will play the 2011-2012 season.

Holy Day Temporarily Moved from Sunday to Thursday This Week

For those who observe the Sabbath, it should be noted that the great Tim Tebow (Peace Be Upon Him) will not be glorifying God next Sunday. Due to a scheduling conflict, worshiping will instead take place Thursday night at 8:20 PM. If anyone was operating under the assumption that Sunday was chosen as the day for the Sabbath before Tebow (PBUH) began playing games on the holy day, you should be disabused of that erroneous belief posthaste. The Lord chose Sunday as His Holy Day because He knew that Tebow (PBUH) would one day grace the field and illuminate our minds for many Sundays to come. The Great Prophet Tebow (PBUH) will not be glorifying the Lord this upcoming Sunday, and so the Sabbath will need to be moved up to Thursday for the time being.
Therefore, in compliance with Satan's wishes, the Rapture will not take place next Sunday, the 20th, and is instead scheduled for Thursday, the 17th of November. Please adjust your prayers accordingly. (As a caveat, it should be noted that any prayers begging for a stat line better than a 2 for 8 performance will go unanswered.)

In addition, it should be noted that followers of the Cult of Revis will be affected in the same way due to this scheduling conflict.

Where is the Fitzmagic of Yesteryear?

Only two weeks removed from a terribly boring weekend and a scheduling nightmare in which no NFL game featured a matchup between two winning teams, we were treated to one of the best days of football that anyone could ask for. I was fortunate enough to watch three straight games between contending teams. The day started with a thud, as the 4 and 3 Jets put together a dominant defensive effort to shut down Fred Jackson and the Fitzmagically delicious Buffalo Bills. The day got even better when Tom Brady threw hissy fit after hissy fit as the Giants defense - fueled by strong play across the defensive line - stymied the Dreamboat and his crew of not-so-merry men. It was only fitting that the Sunday Night matchup between two fierce AFC North rivals turned into an epic. The Ravens victory, covered in the previous article, was a fantastic cap to a great day of football.

Much like Hogwarts, Revis Island does not allow any magic on premises.

The Jets-Bills game did not live up to its top-flight billing (I made a pun!) as the two-score difference separating the teams at the end of the day does not adequately convey the Jets' dominance throughout, but it was a close one for a half. The Jets offense continues to be incredibly frustrating and difficult to watch. After leading the team on a 15 play, 87 yard drive which took more than ten minutes off the clock, the Sanchize managed to overthrow Dustin Keller in the back of the end zone, landing a pass firmly in the welcoming arms of Bills' free safety Jairus Byrd. The Jets could not find the end zone until an LT touchdown midway through the 3rd quarter. Although Tomlinson only gave the team a 13-0 lead, it felt like more than enough in a game in which the defense is this dominant. Although FJax was able to rip off 4.6 per carry, the Jets containment came from the same place it always has this season: the secondary. Fitzpatrick completed fewer than half his passes, and finished with a QB rating of 51.9, boosted a large degree by a touchdown drive that took place in garbage time, with the Bills trailing by 24 points with only 3 minutes remaining. While the score and some of the stats did not betray the magnitude of this blowout, the Jets managed to control the ball for 38 of the game's 60 minutes. This was an important win for the Jets, who won their first road game of the season and their second in division.

As good as the Pats-Giants game must have felt for Giants fans, it must have been maddening. How does one team manage to both lose to the Seahawks at home and beat the Patriots at Gillette? This Giants team has proven that it will play to the level of its competition, winning 4 games by 4 points or fewer thus far. The contrast between this game and the Seahawks game was astounding. Despite playing without their best running back (Bradshaw) and their best wide receiver (Nicks), Eli managed to work with what he did have and he did just enough to squeak out a win. When that Giants defensive line is at full health, they are a daunting matchup for anyone. The Patriots offense had not been shutout for the first half of a game in 783 years, but the Giants D managed to do just that. The team's build can be incredibly successful when they are clicking. They have four players who can consistently get to the quarterback and win one-on-one matchups in Kiwanuka, Tuck, Umenyiora, and Pierre-Paul. It is impossible to know which Eli Manning will show up on any given Sunday, but if the right one does, this is a team that can make a push deep into the playoffs.

This spectacular day of football really highlighted how much parity there is in the AFC. As it stands, there are no undefeated and no one-loss teams in the conference. In fact, the Ravens and the Bungles (SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?) are the only two loss teams in the AFC. There is a pack of good teams assembling just behind these frontrunners, as there are now 5 three-loss teams and 4 four-loss teams. Two of these three-loss teams will meet next Sunday, when the Patriots visit the Jets in a game which will determine the AFC East's division leader. Belichick and Brady are famously good at bouncing back from losses, and so it will be fascinating to see if they can bounce back from consecutive losses while playing on the road against a division rival.

With the presence of an undefeated team in the Packers and a one-loss team in the 49ers, the NFC has not seen as much parity. However, outside of the NFC West, every other division is still somewhat close.

While plenty of intriguing storylines remain, it is tough to imagine a regular season slate of games that are more entertaining than those which took place on November 6th, 2011.

The Wonder-Children

NFL quarterbacks are a unique breed. All it takes is one Sunday slate of NFL games for someone to be reminded of the significance of the vertical passing game. Even when quarterbacks do not serve as the franchise player or the offensive spark, signal callers such as Mark Sanchez, Joe Flacco, and Alex Smith have had success as game managers. While all sorts of offensive metrics can come up short at times, the one that has impressed the most is the Wonderlic Test. As a general aptitude test, many critics still doubt its relevance to the NFL, but the results have been startling. Many teams refuse to draft a quarterback with a score below a 21, and the historical average for NFL quarterbacks is around 24 (out of 50).

In the past decade, no quarterback with a score under 25 (Roethlisberger) has won a Super Bowl. Furthermore, 88% of teams with winning records in the past two years in the NFL were led by quarterbacks who had scores of 25 and above. Players like Vince Young (who reportedly scored a 7 before retaking it) have not faired so well, and have often lost their starting jobs. In fact, the only quarterback who scored below a 24 and whom could definitively be called upper tier is none other than Michael Vick. Furthermore, the average appears to be rising. As players like Ryan Fitzmagic (48), Alex Smith (40), and Matt Stafford (38) have enjoyed a great deal of success in the first half of this season, the trend-line seems to bend ever-upward.

However, the near infallibility of this metric may have finally met its match. The rise of rookie phenom Cam Newton has put the Wonderlic test on shaky ground. Cam scored a 21 on the test, and has been racking up yardage and an unprecedented level for a rookie. Thankfully, he has led his team to an abysmal 2-6 record, as the Panthers have managed to overcome the absence of terrible quarterback play from the likes of Jake Delhomme, Jimmy Clausen, and Matt Moore, and have found new ways to be terrible. The certain emergence of world-beater and self-proclaimed "motherfucking G" Andrew Luck will hopefully set things straight again, assuming this Stanford product can do to his Wonderlic what he did to his SATs.

All of this talk about Wonderlics first came to my attention when I found out that Mark Brunell had managed to dig himself into $25 million of debt. Despite earning over $50 million over the course of his career, Brunell managed to fuck up 9 different business ventures over the past several years. As Brunell was reported to have scored a 22 on his Wonderlic, this is another instance verifying the accuracy of the test. However, expecting the worst, Rex Ryan has already assured Mark that he will be able to sell his imaginary Super Bowl rings (and his real one) on e-bay.

So I'm left with one question: if Brunell could dig a hole this big after scoring a 22, then how much debt will Vince Young be able to accrue by the time he's 40?

The Man, The Legend, The Machine

With game 5 of the World Series recently underway and the baseball season nearing completion, there are just a few quick baseball related issues that I have to get off my chest.

This is not a best of 3 series. Yes, I understand that when two teams are tied 2-2 in a 7-game series, one may look at the remaining games and conclude that you only need to win two of the next three to win the title. THIS DOES NOT MAKE IT A 3 GAME SERIES. Anybody can look at the series scores and see for himself that both teams remain two games from elimination. Even those of us who have majored in social sciences can still recognize that 7 minus 4 is 3. I can understand that an announcer would want to make a reference to this fabled “3 game series” as a cute way of varying up his commentary, but stop saying it every other goddamn sentence. This is making ESPN and Fox even more un-watchable.

That was enough of a rant, now on to the heart of this article. Albert “Motherfuckin’” Pujols. The man, the legend, the machine. It is impossible to praise him enough. As if ten straight seasons of unparalleled excellence and remarkable consistency were not enough, he had to go ahead and affix his name to a whole assortment of postseason records. With his 3-homerun performance in game three, Pujols engraved his name even deeper in the record books. The feat was enough to tie him with both Babe Ruth and Reggie Jackson as the only men who have hit three homeruns in a World Series game.

Furthermore, he is now in the mix for a number of other records for a single postseason. While a few games still remain in this postseason, Pujols has already racked up 23 hits (only 2 behind the leader), 45 total bases (only 2 behind the leader), 7 doubles (good for first place all time), and 16 RBIs (only 3 behind the leader). (All numbers courtesy of BR) With several games left, one has to believe that several of these records are within his grasp.

The question now becomes, how do you reward someone for these accomplishments? While Pujols had a bit of a “down” season this year by his standards, hitting below .300 and with fewer than 100 RBIs for the first time in his eleven year career. While this was an off year for him, he still managed to walk more times than he struck out, and he still belted 37 homeruns, good for third in the MLB. Over the course of his career, he has reached base 42% of the time, while hitting just over 40 homeruns per year. He also holds an on-base plus slugging percentage roughly 70% higher than the league average during the same time. Meanwhile, he managed to pull out a sneaky World Series win back in 2006, putting his team on his back and silently carrying a team that did not have any other real star power. All of this means that his payday this offseason will indeed be monstrous.

He is probably the best professional hitter since Ted Williams, with leadership skills and consistency to boot. How does a team put a price tag on that? In a bigger market, his proven ability to bring in wins could demand another record, this time not in hits and walks, but in dollars. When St Louis makes a bid for his services, he will have to ask what his legacy and integrity mean to him. He should think hard about this one, and come up with an exact dollar amount. Because odds are that there is a team willing to pay for his integrity and give him a generous signing bonus on top of it. I sympathize with the protesters down on Wall Street, but there is a whole new tier of earners. If people are this upset with the 1%, I can't imagine how pissed they'll be when they familiarize themselves with "Pujols money." The man is his own tier.

It Is High, It Is Far, It Is... Caught By the Second Baseman

This was a weekend of mixed emotions around the NFL. While everyone enjoys watching Rex Grossman get pulled at the half after delivering one of his patented 4 interception games, it is always painful to watch the Fitzmagic fall short. I am currently on edge because my gritty fantasy squad of "Revis Saves" is currently trailing its matchup by 0.25 points, and need Plaxico Burress (it's a deep league) and Calvin Pace (OK, it's a REALLY fucking deep league) to combine for more than 0.5 points. However, last night was ultimately salvaged by the Cardinals win over the Brewers in game 6 of the NLCS. It's not that I'm a Cards fan, I am merely a fan of teams that clinch on the road. I watched the crowd in Milwaukee sit in stunned silence for a good 10 minutes last night, and thoroughly enjoyed the cutaway shots to small children openly weeping at their bloodied and beaten corpse of a team. And so I'm going to put the roller coaster football weekend aside for a moment to discuss that other sport that's going on right now (No it's not hockey, and fuck you for even thinking it).

One month ago, it seemed as though all the big market teams were going to cruise through the season and were destined to meet in the playoffs. A World Series matchup of the Phillies and the Yanks / Red Sox seemed inevitable then, and many fans are still scratching their heads over the quick turnaround. While the number one (Yankees) and number two (Phillies) spending teams managed to buy enough wins to reign over their respective conferences, both these teams were shocked in the LDS by underpaid underdogs. Of the four teams that advanced to the LCS, the Tigers spent the most, standing in at 10th in the majors. Of the two remaining teams, the Cardinals are 11th and the Rangers are 13th.

While teams like the Yankees and the Sox always seem to have enough wins to advance to the regular season (except for this year), the postseason is a different story. The team that won it all last year did so with terrible free agent acquisitions. The 2010 San Francisco Giants managed to win it all when their 4 highest paid players were: Barry Zito, Aaron Rowand, Edgar Renteria, and Pat Burrell. Overcoming massive blunders like those is quite the feat. Their 4 highest paid players from last year: didn't make the postseason roster, was designated for assignment and subsequently released earlier this year, and are Edgar Renteria and Pat Burrell.

This year's teams didn't make blunders as costly as those, but they did manage to win with low-cost moves, and smart, savvy decision-making up top. The St Louis Cardinals managed to solidify the middle of their lineup by bringing in a washed-up Lance Berkman, and secured the back of their rotation after trading away a budding young star in Colby Rasmus for Edwin "How is he pitching this well" Jackson.

However, it's the Rangers' moves that have impressed me the most. After bringing up a stable of young pitchers through trades and their farm system, they decided to go all in on offense. After the 2010 season, they were sitting pretty with a very potent offense. Instead of being complacent, the Rangers set goals and achieved them. By pursuing Mike Napoli and Adrian Beltre, the Rangers created a lineup that does not have a weak spot from the 1 to the 9, and these two additions managed to combine for 62 home runs and 180 RBIs (despite Napoli's injury-plagued season).

No analyst would have predicted a Cardinals-Rangers World Series back in March, but I'm glad to see that parity endures. It's impossible to predict which direction the league will move in the upcoming years, but this has been the year of the small(er)-market teams and I, for one, am glad to see it.

When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong: The Hank Williams Story

As we take the time to reflect back on the wild batch of NFL games this past weekend on today, day 8 of the PHWJE (Post Hank Williams Jr. Era) several things have become increasingly obvious. From a guy who “knows a little about” sports blogging too, this is what has jumped out at me so far:

1. Despite what Roddy White may say, the Falcons were not the better team last game, and they were not the better team last year. While the Atliens put up a good fight on Sunday Night Football, the better team came away with the win. The repeat of last year’s divisional matchup was far closer than last year’s debacle. During the first half, the Falcons put their talent on display and managed to keep Rodgers at bay. However, by the end of the game, I’m sure that many in the Georgia Dome were having flashbacks to the 48-21 drubbing back in January. But hey, 25-14 is progress.

2. “The Dream Team” put together another stellar performance up in Buffalo. Their elite gunslinger was smart with the ball, and their coverage was really able to contain that explosive Eagles’ passing attack. Wait, what’s that? “The Dream Team” was a moniker invented to refer to the Eagles? As in, the Philadelphia Eagles? As in that one and four team that is currently sitting in 4^th place in the NFC East? Well I don’t know about the rest of you, but when I sleep I always dream about Ryan Fitzpatrick and Fred Jackson. (However, I’ve also been told that I have full conversations about menial chores in my sleep, so I may not be an authority on the matter.) Things are so good up in Buffalo that Fitz is even starting to make Harvard look cool! While most people still agree with Jack Donaghy's assessment that a Harvard degree is only proof that Fitz is “smart and superb at masturbation,” his awesomeness has somehow made everything associated with Fitz seem slightly more awesome. The Fitzmagic has been great, so enjoy it while it lasts.

3. The San Francisco 49ers have really turned things around. The only team with a 2-game lead in their division dominated the upstart Bucs from start to finish. While many analysts were picking the Bucs as a team on the rise, sure to build on the successes of a 10-6 season and challenge some of their divisional powerhouses, this was a game that was never even in reach. Alex Smith found the end zone on the fourth offensive play, and the Niners never looked back. While many were ranking the 49ers as early favorites in the suck for Luck sweepstakes, the slew of statement games that have propelled the Niners to an early four and one record begs a different question. If the Niners clinch the NFC West before Thanksgiving, then will the Associated Press get in on the action and hand Jim Harbaugh the Coach of the Year Award before Christmas?

4. Eli Manning is terrible. Really, truly terrible.

5. The Tim Tebow era has finally started in Denver! It was full of magnificent glory and hope before the San Diego heathens (Chargers) had the gall to squash the beautiful moment in its tender infancy. After doing the unthinkable andfinding a way to make Knowshon Moreno look like a competent NFL player,Tebow was unable to connect with Brandon Lloyd on the ensuing 2-point conversion that would have knotted the score. On the following Chargers’ drive, the Horseman of the Apocalypse himself was able to run 3 minutes off the clock and put the game out of reach. While skeptics may say that Tebow has already used up all of his Jesusmagic (note: the image to the right is merely an artist’s rendering of Jesusmagic, and may not in fact be the real thing), I think there’s still plenty left in the tank. It’s obvious that Jesus loves Tim Tebow, or else he wouldn’t have sent him to play for a team that is one mile closer to heaven than the rest.

And now, the moment you have all been anxiously awaiting. Before Hank Williams was banished from this dimension to the desolate wasteland of Shreveport, Louisiana, he recorded his final song on a piece of paper. He rolled up this paper and placed it in a bottle before setting it afloat. This past weekend, I was stumbling down the coast on a scavenger hunt to collect as many Native American arrowheads as I could, when I cut my foot open on this very bottle. As I rolled around on the floor in pain, I frantically searched for something to soak up the blood, and so I used this very piece of paper to stem the geysers gushing from my foot! Several hours later, the bleeding was beginning to slow, and so I unrolled the parchment to discover the last song Hank had ever written. No other copies of this song exist, but I have chosen to share it with you, my trusted reader.

(To the tune of "Are You Ready for Some Football?")

It's twenty eleven, and oh what a sight:

Muslims in the White House sure give me a fright.

He might not be a towelhead, but don't be fools,

This President is bringing Sharia Law to schools.

While you're all on your couch watching TV,

Socialists are taking over our country.

Don't let them do it

Go grab your guns

So come on, get ready

I mean get ready

Are you ready for some lynch-mobs?

Yeah, some motherfuckin' race wars!!

So let's all get armed and strapped to the teeth,

Armed revolution is coming tonight.