The Wonder-Children

NFL quarterbacks are a unique breed. All it takes is one Sunday slate of NFL games for someone to be reminded of the significance of the vertical passing game. Even when quarterbacks do not serve as the franchise player or the offensive spark, signal callers such as Mark Sanchez, Joe Flacco, and Alex Smith have had success as game managers. While all sorts of offensive metrics can come up short at times, the one that has impressed the most is the Wonderlic Test. As a general aptitude test, many critics still doubt its relevance to the NFL, but the results have been startling. Many teams refuse to draft a quarterback with a score below a 21, and the historical average for NFL quarterbacks is around 24 (out of 50).

In the past decade, no quarterback with a score under 25 (Roethlisberger) has won a Super Bowl. Furthermore, 88% of teams with winning records in the past two years in the NFL were led by quarterbacks who had scores of 25 and above. Players like Vince Young (who reportedly scored a 7 before retaking it) have not faired so well, and have often lost their starting jobs. In fact, the only quarterback who scored below a 24 and whom could definitively be called upper tier is none other than Michael Vick. Furthermore, the average appears to be rising. As players like Ryan Fitzmagic (48), Alex Smith (40), and Matt Stafford (38) have enjoyed a great deal of success in the first half of this season, the trend-line seems to bend ever-upward.

However, the near infallibility of this metric may have finally met its match. The rise of rookie phenom Cam Newton has put the Wonderlic test on shaky ground. Cam scored a 21 on the test, and has been racking up yardage and an unprecedented level for a rookie. Thankfully, he has led his team to an abysmal 2-6 record, as the Panthers have managed to overcome the absence of terrible quarterback play from the likes of Jake Delhomme, Jimmy Clausen, and Matt Moore, and have found new ways to be terrible. The certain emergence of world-beater and self-proclaimed "motherfucking G" Andrew Luck will hopefully set things straight again, assuming this Stanford product can do to his Wonderlic what he did to his SATs.

All of this talk about Wonderlics first came to my attention when I found out that Mark Brunell had managed to dig himself into $25 million of debt. Despite earning over $50 million over the course of his career, Brunell managed to fuck up 9 different business ventures over the past several years. As Brunell was reported to have scored a 22 on his Wonderlic, this is another instance verifying the accuracy of the test. However, expecting the worst, Rex Ryan has already assured Mark that he will be able to sell his imaginary Super Bowl rings (and his real one) on e-bay.

So I'm left with one question: if Brunell could dig a hole this big after scoring a 22, then how much debt will Vince Young be able to accrue by the time he's 40?

It Is High, It Is Far, It Is... Caught By the Second Baseman

This was a weekend of mixed emotions around the NFL. While everyone enjoys watching Rex Grossman get pulled at the half after delivering one of his patented 4 interception games, it is always painful to watch the Fitzmagic fall short. I am currently on edge because my gritty fantasy squad of "Revis Saves" is currently trailing its matchup by 0.25 points, and need Plaxico Burress (it's a deep league) and Calvin Pace (OK, it's a REALLY fucking deep league) to combine for more than 0.5 points. However, last night was ultimately salvaged by the Cardinals win over the Brewers in game 6 of the NLCS. It's not that I'm a Cards fan, I am merely a fan of teams that clinch on the road. I watched the crowd in Milwaukee sit in stunned silence for a good 10 minutes last night, and thoroughly enjoyed the cutaway shots to small children openly weeping at their bloodied and beaten corpse of a team. And so I'm going to put the roller coaster football weekend aside for a moment to discuss that other sport that's going on right now (No it's not hockey, and fuck you for even thinking it).

One month ago, it seemed as though all the big market teams were going to cruise through the season and were destined to meet in the playoffs. A World Series matchup of the Phillies and the Yanks / Red Sox seemed inevitable then, and many fans are still scratching their heads over the quick turnaround. While the number one (Yankees) and number two (Phillies) spending teams managed to buy enough wins to reign over their respective conferences, both these teams were shocked in the LDS by underpaid underdogs. Of the four teams that advanced to the LCS, the Tigers spent the most, standing in at 10th in the majors. Of the two remaining teams, the Cardinals are 11th and the Rangers are 13th.

While teams like the Yankees and the Sox always seem to have enough wins to advance to the regular season (except for this year), the postseason is a different story. The team that won it all last year did so with terrible free agent acquisitions. The 2010 San Francisco Giants managed to win it all when their 4 highest paid players were: Barry Zito, Aaron Rowand, Edgar Renteria, and Pat Burrell. Overcoming massive blunders like those is quite the feat. Their 4 highest paid players from last year: didn't make the postseason roster, was designated for assignment and subsequently released earlier this year, and are Edgar Renteria and Pat Burrell.

This year's teams didn't make blunders as costly as those, but they did manage to win with low-cost moves, and smart, savvy decision-making up top. The St Louis Cardinals managed to solidify the middle of their lineup by bringing in a washed-up Lance Berkman, and secured the back of their rotation after trading away a budding young star in Colby Rasmus for Edwin "How is he pitching this well" Jackson.

However, it's the Rangers' moves that have impressed me the most. After bringing up a stable of young pitchers through trades and their farm system, they decided to go all in on offense. After the 2010 season, they were sitting pretty with a very potent offense. Instead of being complacent, the Rangers set goals and achieved them. By pursuing Mike Napoli and Adrian Beltre, the Rangers created a lineup that does not have a weak spot from the 1 to the 9, and these two additions managed to combine for 62 home runs and 180 RBIs (despite Napoli's injury-plagued season).

No analyst would have predicted a Cardinals-Rangers World Series back in March, but I'm glad to see that parity endures. It's impossible to predict which direction the league will move in the upcoming years, but this has been the year of the small(er)-market teams and I, for one, am glad to see it.

When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong: The Hank Williams Story

As we take the time to reflect back on the wild batch of NFL games this past weekend on today, day 8 of the PHWJE (Post Hank Williams Jr. Era) several things have become increasingly obvious. From a guy who “knows a little about” sports blogging too, this is what has jumped out at me so far:

1. Despite what Roddy White may say, the Falcons were not the better team last game, and they were not the better team last year. While the Atliens put up a good fight on Sunday Night Football, the better team came away with the win. The repeat of last year’s divisional matchup was far closer than last year’s debacle. During the first half, the Falcons put their talent on display and managed to keep Rodgers at bay. However, by the end of the game, I’m sure that many in the Georgia Dome were having flashbacks to the 48-21 drubbing back in January. But hey, 25-14 is progress.

2. “The Dream Team” put together another stellar performance up in Buffalo. Their elite gunslinger was smart with the ball, and their coverage was really able to contain that explosive Eagles’ passing attack. Wait, what’s that? “The Dream Team” was a moniker invented to refer to the Eagles? As in, the Philadelphia Eagles? As in that one and four team that is currently sitting in 4^th place in the NFC East? Well I don’t know about the rest of you, but when I sleep I always dream about Ryan Fitzpatrick and Fred Jackson. (However, I’ve also been told that I have full conversations about menial chores in my sleep, so I may not be an authority on the matter.) Things are so good up in Buffalo that Fitz is even starting to make Harvard look cool! While most people still agree with Jack Donaghy's assessment that a Harvard degree is only proof that Fitz is “smart and superb at masturbation,” his awesomeness has somehow made everything associated with Fitz seem slightly more awesome. The Fitzmagic has been great, so enjoy it while it lasts.

3. The San Francisco 49ers have really turned things around. The only team with a 2-game lead in their division dominated the upstart Bucs from start to finish. While many analysts were picking the Bucs as a team on the rise, sure to build on the successes of a 10-6 season and challenge some of their divisional powerhouses, this was a game that was never even in reach. Alex Smith found the end zone on the fourth offensive play, and the Niners never looked back. While many were ranking the 49ers as early favorites in the suck for Luck sweepstakes, the slew of statement games that have propelled the Niners to an early four and one record begs a different question. If the Niners clinch the NFC West before Thanksgiving, then will the Associated Press get in on the action and hand Jim Harbaugh the Coach of the Year Award before Christmas?

4. Eli Manning is terrible. Really, truly terrible.

5. The Tim Tebow era has finally started in Denver! It was full of magnificent glory and hope before the San Diego heathens (Chargers) had the gall to squash the beautiful moment in its tender infancy. After doing the unthinkable andfinding a way to make Knowshon Moreno look like a competent NFL player,Tebow was unable to connect with Brandon Lloyd on the ensuing 2-point conversion that would have knotted the score. On the following Chargers’ drive, the Horseman of the Apocalypse himself was able to run 3 minutes off the clock and put the game out of reach. While skeptics may say that Tebow has already used up all of his Jesusmagic (note: the image to the right is merely an artist’s rendering of Jesusmagic, and may not in fact be the real thing), I think there’s still plenty left in the tank. It’s obvious that Jesus loves Tim Tebow, or else he wouldn’t have sent him to play for a team that is one mile closer to heaven than the rest.

And now, the moment you have all been anxiously awaiting. Before Hank Williams was banished from this dimension to the desolate wasteland of Shreveport, Louisiana, he recorded his final song on a piece of paper. He rolled up this paper and placed it in a bottle before setting it afloat. This past weekend, I was stumbling down the coast on a scavenger hunt to collect as many Native American arrowheads as I could, when I cut my foot open on this very bottle. As I rolled around on the floor in pain, I frantically searched for something to soak up the blood, and so I used this very piece of paper to stem the geysers gushing from my foot! Several hours later, the bleeding was beginning to slow, and so I unrolled the parchment to discover the last song Hank had ever written. No other copies of this song exist, but I have chosen to share it with you, my trusted reader.

(To the tune of "Are You Ready for Some Football?")

It's twenty eleven, and oh what a sight:

Muslims in the White House sure give me a fright.

He might not be a towelhead, but don't be fools,

This President is bringing Sharia Law to schools.

While you're all on your couch watching TV,

Socialists are taking over our country.

Don't let them do it

Go grab your guns

So come on, get ready

I mean get ready

Are you ready for some lynch-mobs?

Yeah, some motherfuckin' race wars!!

So let's all get armed and strapped to the teeth,

Armed revolution is coming tonight.