MLS: Teaching The Sports World A Thing Or Two About Expansion

1) Football, 2) Baseball, 3) Soccer, 4) Basketball, 5) Hockey

Looking at the above list, dear reader, what could I possibly be ranking? Is it a list of my favorite sports? No - it couldn't be - because team handball, tchoukball, and water polo are noticeably absent. Is it a list of sports from youngest to oldest? I haven't been around long enough to be sure, but I don't believe neanderthals were skating around trying to go five-hole on the goalie. Is a ranking of major sports in order of the circumference of the balls/pucks used? Certainly not, and if you're in this camp, I don't think you're playing baseball correctly.

What if I told you this list above ranks the average attendance per game amongst the major sports leagues in the United States? *Cue the jaw drop*

That's right - this year, Major League Soccer passed the National Basketball Association as the third most attended sports league in the country. The MLS's figure of 17,872 fans per game was enough to eclipse the NBA's 2010-2011 average of 17,319 as well as basketballs current average attendance figure of zero.

Acknowledging that arena capacity certainly plays a part in these rankings, soccer's jump to third is still quite impressive. The most significant factor contributing to soccer's increased popularity is its expansion into strong soccer markets. Arguably, the MLS has seen the most successful expansion of any sports league in American history.

If David Stern and Gary Bettman could pool their BRI and hockey-related revenue, they'd have about $6.5 billion dollars to put towards the development of a time machine so they could go back to the 1980s and 90s and undo all of their stupid expansion decisions. Bill and Ted can come too; it will be an excellent adventure.

The NBA has far too many teams in weak markets, something that is prolonging the lockout substantially. In (somewhat) recent years, we saw the league leave Vancouver, Seattle, and (briefly) Charlotte. In addition, the Hornets have been owned by the league for quite some time and many other teams are losing money. In the NHL, expansion may have been even worse. Bettman exited Canada for bigger (but warmer and less interested) American markets like Phoenix, Carolina, Dallas, and Atlanta. The commissioner has begun to undo his mistakes by moving the Thrashers up to Winnepeg, but many NHL teams are still reeling financially and competitively. Even the NFL has made a few mistakes, like plopping a team down in the middle of WhoCaresVille, Florida.

The MLS, conversely, has seen its expansion teams become its most successful clubs. This is the way that it should be. Why add an expansion team if it's going to be one of the worst attended teams in the league? Since 2007, the league has added four teams, and they all rank in the top half of league attendance:  Seattle Sounders FC (#1), Vancouver White Caps FC (#3), Toronto FC (#4), Portland Timbers (#6), Philadelphia Union (#7).

Through methodical and intelligent expansion, the MLS continues to grow. It will add a 19th team in Montreal next season. With the NBA lockout almost certainly squashing the entire 2011-2012 season, there is more room for soccer fans in America than ever. It's hard to believe that for a given contest, the question "Did you go to the game last night?" is being answered "Yes" by more soccer fans than hockey or basketball fans. Ole!

Where is the Fitzmagic of Yesteryear?

Only two weeks removed from a terribly boring weekend and a scheduling nightmare in which no NFL game featured a matchup between two winning teams, we were treated to one of the best days of football that anyone could ask for. I was fortunate enough to watch three straight games between contending teams. The day started with a thud, as the 4 and 3 Jets put together a dominant defensive effort to shut down Fred Jackson and the Fitzmagically delicious Buffalo Bills. The day got even better when Tom Brady threw hissy fit after hissy fit as the Giants defense - fueled by strong play across the defensive line - stymied the Dreamboat and his crew of not-so-merry men. It was only fitting that the Sunday Night matchup between two fierce AFC North rivals turned into an epic. The Ravens victory, covered in the previous article, was a fantastic cap to a great day of football.

Much like Hogwarts, Revis Island does not allow any magic on premises.

The Jets-Bills game did not live up to its top-flight billing (I made a pun!) as the two-score difference separating the teams at the end of the day does not adequately convey the Jets' dominance throughout, but it was a close one for a half. The Jets offense continues to be incredibly frustrating and difficult to watch. After leading the team on a 15 play, 87 yard drive which took more than ten minutes off the clock, the Sanchize managed to overthrow Dustin Keller in the back of the end zone, landing a pass firmly in the welcoming arms of Bills' free safety Jairus Byrd. The Jets could not find the end zone until an LT touchdown midway through the 3rd quarter. Although Tomlinson only gave the team a 13-0 lead, it felt like more than enough in a game in which the defense is this dominant. Although FJax was able to rip off 4.6 per carry, the Jets containment came from the same place it always has this season: the secondary. Fitzpatrick completed fewer than half his passes, and finished with a QB rating of 51.9, boosted a large degree by a touchdown drive that took place in garbage time, with the Bills trailing by 24 points with only 3 minutes remaining. While the score and some of the stats did not betray the magnitude of this blowout, the Jets managed to control the ball for 38 of the game's 60 minutes. This was an important win for the Jets, who won their first road game of the season and their second in division.

As good as the Pats-Giants game must have felt for Giants fans, it must have been maddening. How does one team manage to both lose to the Seahawks at home and beat the Patriots at Gillette? This Giants team has proven that it will play to the level of its competition, winning 4 games by 4 points or fewer thus far. The contrast between this game and the Seahawks game was astounding. Despite playing without their best running back (Bradshaw) and their best wide receiver (Nicks), Eli managed to work with what he did have and he did just enough to squeak out a win. When that Giants defensive line is at full health, they are a daunting matchup for anyone. The Patriots offense had not been shutout for the first half of a game in 783 years, but the Giants D managed to do just that. The team's build can be incredibly successful when they are clicking. They have four players who can consistently get to the quarterback and win one-on-one matchups in Kiwanuka, Tuck, Umenyiora, and Pierre-Paul. It is impossible to know which Eli Manning will show up on any given Sunday, but if the right one does, this is a team that can make a push deep into the playoffs.

This spectacular day of football really highlighted how much parity there is in the AFC. As it stands, there are no undefeated and no one-loss teams in the conference. In fact, the Ravens and the Bungles (SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?) are the only two loss teams in the AFC. There is a pack of good teams assembling just behind these frontrunners, as there are now 5 three-loss teams and 4 four-loss teams. Two of these three-loss teams will meet next Sunday, when the Patriots visit the Jets in a game which will determine the AFC East's division leader. Belichick and Brady are famously good at bouncing back from losses, and so it will be fascinating to see if they can bounce back from consecutive losses while playing on the road against a division rival.

With the presence of an undefeated team in the Packers and a one-loss team in the 49ers, the NFC has not seen as much parity. However, outside of the NFC West, every other division is still somewhat close.

While plenty of intriguing storylines remain, it is tough to imagine a regular season slate of games that are more entertaining than those which took place on November 6th, 2011.

Macabre Media Men: What Broadcast Team Do You Want At Your Funeral?

“All the world’s a stage, and men and women merely players”

                - Bill Shakespeare

This quote is found in Shakespeare’s As You Like It, a story of love triangles and French forests, and in an era of reality television and split personalities (real life and Facebook, to name two) it seems more relevant than ever.  And what greater stage exists in today’s world than professional sports?  Sports today draw unprecedented audiences, taking place in cathedrals of athletic achievement and unfolding late game drama and intrigue in front of millions of spectators, many of whom are as adrenaline filled as the athletes (if not more).  Thus, the two greatest stages in existence are professional sporting events and life itself.  

At the beginning of any sporting event, the stage is set with the announcement of a pivotal group of people – the broadcast crew.  A play-by-play man, a couple of color commentators and a sideline reporter are all a crucial part of modern televised athletic events.  If that’s the case, then why not have broadcast crews present at the greatest performances of our own life – our entrance and exit, birth and death?  More importantly, which commentators, past and present, would be best suited for the job?

Birth- The Hospital

Play-By-Play: Gus Johnson.  His enthusiastic game calls would be perfect for such a joyous, momentous occasion.  Plus he’s comfortable working with kids.

Color men: Dick Vitale, Peter Gammons.  “Dicky V” has unparalleled enthusiasm for the word “baby” and after witnessing hundreds of diaper dandies is in a unique position to help the newborn start life off the right way (and improve his draft stock in the process).  Both he and Peter Gammons, being of a relatively advanced age (i.e. old) have an appreciation for the fragility of life which they can impart to us through color commentary during the birth.  Although a mother can remain in labor for upwards of 8 hours before giving birth, Peter Gammons has honed his ability to talk for hours on end during an extensive career in Major League Baseball.

Sideline Reporter: Erin Andrews.  Beautiful, talented and sports-savvy, Erin Andrews is the total package.  Why not be exposed to perfection embodied as soon as you exit the womb?  One reason: your life can only go downhill from there.

Death- The Funeral

Play-By-Play: Marv Albert.  “Is he dead yet? Yes!!”  Can’t you hear it now?  Marv Albert’s slightly understated oratory will show respect for you, the dearly departed, while still capturing the magnitude of the moment – you’re dead, that’s a game changer.  

Color Men: Dennis Miller, Cris Collinsworth.  Who better to bring levity to an otherwise grim situation than Dennis Miller, arguably the greatest color man who had been a comedian and subsequently fell off the face of the Earth?  There’s no better venue for political humor mixed with a dash of conservatism than a funeral, right?  As for Cris Collinsworth, he’s an idiot.  An absolute idiot.  What better way to cement your legacy than to rise from the dead and kill Cris Collinsworth during the wake, taking him to the grave with you in the ultimate act of self-sacrifice.  The world will be a better place, with you to thank.  

Sideline Reporter: Tony Siragusa.  “Goose” will help to keep things pretty lighthearted, while reminding the audience of its own mortality.  No other sideline reporter in the game blends humor and insight more skillfully, or can eat more hot dogs in one minute.

Joe Silvestro is a regular contributor to Sports Casual, check back every Funday Friday for his witticisms concerning the Wide World of Sports.  Email him at jsilvestro21@gmail.com

The Quotable Les Miles

In case you weren't excited enough for this weekend's game...

"I want my players focused. I don't want the distraction of not being focused to be a distraction"

-Les Miles

http://www.thequotablelesmiles.com/

The Wonder-Children

NFL quarterbacks are a unique breed. All it takes is one Sunday slate of NFL games for someone to be reminded of the significance of the vertical passing game. Even when quarterbacks do not serve as the franchise player or the offensive spark, signal callers such as Mark Sanchez, Joe Flacco, and Alex Smith have had success as game managers. While all sorts of offensive metrics can come up short at times, the one that has impressed the most is the Wonderlic Test. As a general aptitude test, many critics still doubt its relevance to the NFL, but the results have been startling. Many teams refuse to draft a quarterback with a score below a 21, and the historical average for NFL quarterbacks is around 24 (out of 50).

In the past decade, no quarterback with a score under 25 (Roethlisberger) has won a Super Bowl. Furthermore, 88% of teams with winning records in the past two years in the NFL were led by quarterbacks who had scores of 25 and above. Players like Vince Young (who reportedly scored a 7 before retaking it) have not faired so well, and have often lost their starting jobs. In fact, the only quarterback who scored below a 24 and whom could definitively be called upper tier is none other than Michael Vick. Furthermore, the average appears to be rising. As players like Ryan Fitzmagic (48), Alex Smith (40), and Matt Stafford (38) have enjoyed a great deal of success in the first half of this season, the trend-line seems to bend ever-upward.

However, the near infallibility of this metric may have finally met its match. The rise of rookie phenom Cam Newton has put the Wonderlic test on shaky ground. Cam scored a 21 on the test, and has been racking up yardage and an unprecedented level for a rookie. Thankfully, he has led his team to an abysmal 2-6 record, as the Panthers have managed to overcome the absence of terrible quarterback play from the likes of Jake Delhomme, Jimmy Clausen, and Matt Moore, and have found new ways to be terrible. The certain emergence of world-beater and self-proclaimed "motherfucking G" Andrew Luck will hopefully set things straight again, assuming this Stanford product can do to his Wonderlic what he did to his SATs.

All of this talk about Wonderlics first came to my attention when I found out that Mark Brunell had managed to dig himself into $25 million of debt. Despite earning over $50 million over the course of his career, Brunell managed to fuck up 9 different business ventures over the past several years. As Brunell was reported to have scored a 22 on his Wonderlic, this is another instance verifying the accuracy of the test. However, expecting the worst, Rex Ryan has already assured Mark that he will be able to sell his imaginary Super Bowl rings (and his real one) on e-bay.

So I'm left with one question: if Brunell could dig a hole this big after scoring a 22, then how much debt will Vince Young be able to accrue by the time he's 40?