Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Where would we be without Tim Duncan?

Did you know that Tim Duncan is the best player since Michael Jordan? Better than Kobe. Better than LeBron. Better than KG, Steve Nash, Allen Iverson, Jason Kidd, Dirk Nowitzki, James Harden's beard, Darko Milicic, and J.R. Smith on one of his good days.

Did you know that Tim Duncan won a championship in 2003 with Tony Parker in his 2nd year, Ginobili as a rookie, Stephen Jackson as the 2nd best player, David Robinson in his final year, Bruce Bowen, Steve Kerr, and...well...that's pretty much it. Danny Ferry played big minutes for this team. How did this happen?

Did you know that Tim Duncan averaged 21 and 12 and 2.5 blocks and made first team All-NBA in his rookie year? He went on to make the first team All-NBA his first 8 years in the league, 13 1st or 2nd team All-Defensive team, every all star game, and won 2 NBA MVPs.

Oh, and he won 4 championships.

Should've been 5.

So why does nobody know and, more importantly, nobody care?

Because Tim Duncan is the most boring athlete alive. Possibly ever. And he's held the NBA back for too long.

What would have happened if Tim Duncan never picked up a basketball?
  1. Keith Van Horn would have been picked number 1 by the Spurs, and we would never have had to watch a team win a championship while averaging 80 points a game.
  2. Poppovich would be coaching in a big market, like New York. Combine the best coach with the best market, and you get the best talent. Everyone loves a dream team.
  3. Chauney Billups would have been drafted 2nd by the 76ers, who would have been the perfect backcourt mate to Allen Iverson. And we all know that the NBA can never have enough Allen Iverson.
  4. Allen Iverson never lets Chauncey shoot, so Chauncey never becomes "Mr. Big Shot" and we never have to listen to that stupid nickname aver again.
  5. The Detroit Pistons never happen, meaning teams don't try to copy them by only focusing on defense.
  6. Kobe would have 6 championships, making the Kobe-MJ debate really legit.
  7. Jason Kidd gets a championship with the Nets, encouraging teams to play at a faster pace.
  8. Faster pace means more points, more 3-pointers, and more dunks.
  9. More dunks means more fans.
  10. More fans means the NBA would have already expanded into Europe.
  11. More fans in Europe means more European players choose to play basketball instead of soccer.
  12. Basketball becomes the greatest sport in the world.
We'll never know how great the NBA could have been without the "Big Fundamental." But we do know that there's a reason people youtube "crazy dunks" instead of "basketball fundamentals."

Why Baltimore Orioles Fans Hate The Law Of Large Numbers

After April...

...After September.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

David Stern: Letters To Himself

May 1, 2012

Dear David,

Our quest to destroy the National Basketball Association has entered a new phase. It has been a long, arduous journey, but the end is in sight. You must stay the course.

Remember why you do this, David: ever since you realized that you were too short to actually play basketball, you knew the league that you helped to build must be destroyed. It wouldn't be easy, but it would be worth it. Someday, all NBA broadcasts will be replaced by three-hour slide shows of your face, and your hard work will pay off.

First, we tried over-expansion. It was a good idea, David. Who would have thought that Charlotte, Minnesota, Toronto, and Orlando all would have been able to support a team enough to keep the league out of bankruptcy? Too bad no one bought into that whole Europe idea. That would have worked in a hurry.

Then we tried lockouts. You were so close at the beginning of the year. Who knew it could be so simple, getting a bunch of rich people to fight over a giant pile of money none of them need? You did David, that's who. And you would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling kids. Only one season without the NBA, and America would have realized how much more fun it is to watch college basketball.

Now, Operation Destruction Of The Star System is successfully under way. Good job tricking Derrick Rose into actually working hard. No one who wants to stay healthy does that. And putting that fire extinguisher case in Amar'e's line of sight? Too easy.

There are only a few more pieces left in your plan. Make sure the Heat win the title this year. LeBron's big head is one ego trip away from a career-ending brain hemorrhage. You can let Father Time take care of Kevin Garnett, and it seems like simply a matter of weeks until Metta World Peace completely snaps and eats Kobe Bryant.

Once you've finished exacting your revenge, don't forget to call Dick Cheney before he dies, so the two of you can go ahead with your schoolboy dreams of taking over the world. And remember, David: you are a beautiful man, no matter what those jerks on the interweb say.

Love always,