Thursday, January 5, 2012

Are You There God? It’s Me, Mike D’Antoni

Are you there God?

It’s me, Mike D’Antoni.  What the hell?  The BobcatsReally?  First you took Iman’s ankle and I get it, he’s a young kid not used to NBA action thanks to the lockout.  Then you took Amar’’’e’s ankle, but I didn’t say anything because as long as you leave his knees alone I can’t complain.  Now we get back to full strength, and we lose to the 2nd coming of Fat Shawn Kemp?

I just don’t understand, I thought I was your favorite son (ok, second favorite); I’m the man with the golden mustache, the guy who invented a fast paced, no defense system and poof – there’s Steve Nash in my lap, the greatest Canadian since Dudley Do Right.  I decided to change it up and take my talents to New York and bam – Amar’e Stoudamire the four-eyed power forward follows me there.  It was as if I could do no wrong.  Eddy Curry and Jerome James grew to biblical proportions, Shawne Williams stayed out of jail long enough to hit a couple of threes, everything was going my way.  I’ve done everything you’ve asked for God; I sacrificed Grant Hill’s knees in Phoenix, I took in a lost lamb when nobody else would care for him.  

Is it because you’ve found a new favorite?  Don’t think I didn’t notice that since he arrived, everything’s been different.  Is it because we’ve committed a deadly sin, like sloth?  That should’ve been offset by the cross Billy Walker has tattooed across his entire chest.  Is it because I’m Italian?  Lavazza has great flavor, and I promise that if I ever meet Benito Mussolini I’ll kill him, really I will.  

All I want is a sign; give me a sign, anything.  The next time Josh Smith takes a three, make it go in – surely that’s nothing short of divine intervention.  The next time Lebron James ruins his reputation, make him apologize – that would be nothing short of a miracle.  Part the sea of hair gel on Pat Riley’s head.  I don’t want to have to turn to the occult and Eastern religion, but I will if I have to; maybe Buddha will listen to my problems.  I don’t want a championship, I don’t want a defense.  All I want to do is beat the Bobcats, and the Raptors, and every other team located in a city with 50 basketball fans or less (Miami, looking at you).

Hugs and Half Court Shots,
Mikey from Italy

Joe Silvestro is a regular contributor to Sports Casual, check back every Funday Friday for his witticisms concerning the Wide World of Sports.  Email him at


  1. everything is tebow's fault

  2. nope. Everything is Josh McDaniel's fault for being a horrible GM/coach