Sunday, February 5, 2012

Super Bowl XLVI Award Show

The NFL recently handed out its annual awards, with Aaron Rodgers claiming the MVP trophy in a landslide and the rookie of the year honors going surprisingly (he said, with the utmost sarcasm) to the highest drafted offensive and defensive players.

Most Utterly Useless Statistic - The Patriots have never won a Super Bowl when when an "Idol" winner sings the anthem beforehand. Thanks for that gem, Fox Sports. If Americans wanted more tidbits like that, we'd have petitioned for Joe Buck to do the play-by-play.

Most Ridiculous Assumption - America's 60-40 split predicting a 4th straight year of "heads." Really would have expected a closer vote...

"Biggest" Referee Disappointment - John Parry will be tonight's official, robbing the world of a chance to marvel at Ed Hochuli's alarmingly enormous biceps and hilariously thorough explanations.

Most Likely Nip-Slip - "Big Daddy" Vince Wilfork

Most Outrageous Prop Bet - "Will Madonna wear a hat at any point during the Super Bowl Halftime Show?" Man, people will bet on anything.

Most Exciting News For People Who Want To Watch The Super Bowl Alone - You can stream it now!

 Of course, a pre-Super Bowl post wouldn't be complete without the Sports Casual endorsed pick. So here it goes:

In the second quarter, a distraught and deranged Richard Seymour emerges from the stands and bloodies up Eli Manning, knocking him out of the game and bringing David "Broken Down" Carr to his first game action since joking about how parachute pants are no longer "in" was, in fact, "in." But Giants fans get a break when Tom Terrific sees his reflection in the locker room jacuzzi during halftime and nearly drowns trying to kiss himself. The 2nd half becomes a battle of backups, and after Hoyer and Carr produce the most boring quarter and a half of football we've ever seen, Julian Edelman intercepts Carr and then fills in for Hoyer. During an emotional Bill Belichick speech, Chad Ochocinco has to correct him when he starts to talk about "perfection," but the Patirots do indeed "go to work," running a Fake 23 Blast with a Backside George Reverse for an 80-yard TD as time expires.

Final Score: Patriots 27, Giants 24.