Monday, October 10, 2011

When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong: The Hank Williams Story

As we take the time to reflect back on the wild batch of NFL games this past weekend on today, day 8 of the PHWJE (Post Hank Williams Jr. Era) several things have become increasingly obvious. From a guy who “knows a little about” sports blogging too, this is what has jumped out at me so far:

  1. Despite what Roddy White may say, the Falcons were not the better team last game, and they were not the better team last year. While the Atliens put up a good fight on Sunday Night Football, the better team came away with the win. The repeat of last year’s divisional matchup was far closer than last year’s debacle. During the first half, the Falcons put their talent on display and managed to keep Rodgers at bay. However, by the end of the game, I’m sure that many in the Georgia Dome were having flashbacks to the 48-21 drubbing back in January. But hey, 25-14 is progress.
  1. “The Dream Team” put together another stellar performance up in Buffalo. Their elite gunslinger was smart with the ball, and their coverage was really able to contain that explosive Eagles’ passing attack. Wait, what’s that? “The Dream Team” was a moniker invented to refer to the Eagles? As in, the Philadelphia Eagles? As in that one and four team that is currently sitting in 4th place in the NFC East? Well I don’t know about the rest of you, but when I sleep I always dream about Ryan Fitzpatrick and Fred Jackson. (However, I’ve also been told that I have full conversations about menial chores in my sleep, so I may not be an authority on the matter.) Things are so good up in Buffalo that Fitz is even starting to make Harvard look cool! While most people still agree with Jack Donaghy's assessment that a Harvard degree is only proof that Fitz is “smart and superb at masturbation,” his awesomeness has somehow made everything associated with Fitz seem slightly more awesome. The Fitzmagic has been great, so enjoy it while it lasts.
  1. The San Francisco 49ers have really turned things around. The only team with a 2-game lead in their division dominated the upstart Bucs from start to finish. While many analysts were picking the Bucs as a team on the rise, sure to build on the successes of a 10-6 season and challenge some of their divisional powerhouses, this was a game that was never even in reach. Alex Smith found the end zone on the fourth offensive play, and the Niners never looked back. While many were ranking the 49ers as early favorites in the suck for Luck sweepstakes, the slew of statement games that have propelled the Niners to an early four and one record begs a different question. If the Niners clinch the NFC West before Thanksgiving, then will the Associated Press get in on the action and hand Jim Harbaugh the Coach of the Year Award before Christmas?
  1. Eli Manning is terrible. Really, truly terrible.
  1. The Tim Tebow era has finally started in Denver! It was full of magnificent glory and hope before the San Diego heathens (Chargers) had the gall to squash the beautiful moment in its tender infancy. After doing the unthinkable andfinding a way to make Knowshon Moreno look like a competent NFL player,Tebow was unable to connect with Brandon Lloyd on the ensuing 2-point conversion that would have knotted the score. On the following Chargers’ drive, the Horseman of the Apocalypse himself was able to run 3 minutes off the clock and put the game out of reach. While skeptics may say that Tebow has already used up all of his Jesusmagic (note: the image to the right is merely an artist’s rendering of Jesusmagic, and may not in fact be the real thing), I think there’s still plenty left in the tank. It’s obvious that Jesus loves Tim Tebow, or else he wouldn’t have sent him to play for a team that is one mile closer to heaven than the rest.

And now, the moment you have all been anxiously awaiting. Before Hank Williams was banished from this dimension to the desolate wasteland of Shreveport, Louisiana, he recorded his final song on a piece of paper. He rolled up this paper and placed it in a bottle before setting it afloat. This past weekend, I was stumbling down the coast on a scavenger hunt to collect as many Native American arrowheads as I could, when I cut my foot open on this very bottle. As I rolled around on the floor in pain, I frantically searched for something to soak up the blood, and so I used this very piece of paper to stem the geysers gushing from my foot! Several hours later, the bleeding was beginning to slow, and so I unrolled the parchment to discover the last song Hank had ever written. No other copies of this song exist, but I have chosen to share it with you, my trusted reader.

It's twenty eleven, and oh what a sight:
Muslims in the White House sure give me a fright.
He might not be a towelhead, but don't be fools,
This President is bringing Sharia Law to schools.
While you're all on your couch watching TV,
Socialists are taking over our country.

Don't let them do it
Go grab your guns
So come on, get ready
I mean get ready
Are you ready for some lynch-mobs?
Yeah, some motherfuckin' race wars!!
So let's all get armed and strapped to the teeth,
Armed revolution is coming tonight.

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