Oh No, Tebow

Last night, the New England Patriots brought Denver's miraculous season to a crashing halt. With the loss comes this reckless prediction: Tim Tebow will never start another postseason game in his career. The stalwart New England defense and the powerhouse Kansas City Chiefs have shown the rest of the league how to stop the Teb-meister: put any 11 guys on the field, contain the edges, and loosely cover underneath routs.

Before we say goodbye to Tim Tebow forever, I'd like to play one of my favorite games that I just invented. I call it: "Teach Me How To Tebow." Below are the statistics for Tiny Tim and the starting quarterback for the opposing team in each of Tebow's 13 starts. Can you pick which stat line belongs to Tim Tebow?

Week 7: Denver at Miami (Moore)
A) 22 for 33, 197 yards, 1 TD, 0 INT
B) 13 for 27, 161 yards, 2 TD, 0 INT

Week 8: Denver vs. Detroit (Stafford)
A) 21 for 30, 267 yards, 3 TD, 0 INT
B) 18 for 39, 172 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT

Week 9: Denver at Oakland (Palmer)
A) 10 for 21, 124 yards, 2 TD, 0 INT
B) 19 for 35, 332 yards, 3 TD, 3 INT

Week 10: Denver at Kansas City (Cassel)
A) 13 for 28, 93 yards, 1 TD, 0 INT
B) 2 for 8, 69 yards, 1 TD, 0 INT

Week 11: Denver vs. New York Jets (Sanchez)
A) 9 for 20, 104 yards, 0 TD, 0 INT
B) 24 for 40, 252 yards, 0 TD, 1 INT

Week 12: Denver at San Diego (Rivers)
A) 9 for 18, 143 yards, 1 TD, 0 INT
B) 19 for 36, 188 yards, 1 TD, 0 INT

Week 13: Denver at Minnesota (Ponder)
A) 10 for 15, 202 yards, 2 TD, 0 INT
B) 29 for 47, 381 yards, 3 TD, 2 INT

Week 14: Denver vs. Chicago (Hanie)
A) 12 for 19, 115 yards, 0 TD, 0 INT
B) 21 for 40, 236 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT

Week 15: Denver vs. New England (Brady)
A) 11 for 22, 194 yards, 0 TD, 0 INT
B) 23 for 34, 320 yards, 2 TD, 0 INT

Week 16: Denver at Buffalo (Fitzpatrick)
A) 13 for 29, 185 yards, 1 TD, 3 INT
B) 15 for 27, 196 yards, 0 TD, 0 INT

Week 17: Denver vs. Kansas City (Orton)
A) 15 for 29, 180 yards, 0 TD, 0 INT
B) 6 for 22, 60 yards, 0 TD, 1 INT

Wild Card: Denver vs. Pittsburgh (Roethlisberger)
A) 22 for 40, 289 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT
B) 10 for 21, 316 yards, 2 TD, 0 INT

Divisional: Denver at New England (Brady)
A) 9 for 26, 136 yards, 0 TD, 0 INT
B) 26 for 34, 363 yards, 6 TD, 1 INT


Answers: B, B, A, B, A, A, A, B (really), A, A, B, B (twist), A (order is restored)

What does your score mean?


A Perfect 13: Married to Gisele Bündchen
10-12 correct: State Farm commercial co-star
7-9 correct: President of the the Kyle Orton Fan Club
Less than 7 correct: Starting quarterback for the Denver Broncos

Holy Day Temporarily Moved from Sunday to Thursday This Week

For those who observe the Sabbath, it should be noted that the great Tim Tebow (Peace Be Upon Him) will not be glorifying God next Sunday. Due to a scheduling conflict, worshiping will instead take place Thursday night at 8:20 PM. If anyone was operating under the assumption that Sunday was chosen as the day for the Sabbath before Tebow (PBUH) began playing games on the holy day, you should be disabused of that erroneous belief posthaste. The Lord chose Sunday as His Holy Day because He knew that Tebow (PBUH) would one day grace the field and illuminate our minds for many Sundays to come. The Great Prophet Tebow (PBUH) will not be glorifying the Lord this upcoming Sunday, and so the Sabbath will need to be moved up to Thursday for the time being.
Therefore, in compliance with Satan's wishes, the Rapture will not take place next Sunday, the 20th, and is instead scheduled for Thursday, the 17th of November. Please adjust your prayers accordingly. (As a caveat, it should be noted that any prayers begging for a stat line better than a 2 for 8 performance will go unanswered.)

In addition, it should be noted that followers of the Cult of Revis will be affected in the same way due to this scheduling conflict.