Friday, November 25, 2011

Thanksgiving Deserts: Who's Who on the Dinner Table

Thanksgiving.  A time of reflection, revelry and reheated turkey.  Each year millions of people gather with family and friends to share a traditional Thanksgiving meal, watch an NFL game (or not), and remove themselves from the hustle and bustle of everyday life.  But what is the significance of the meal itself?  Turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, the list of food goes on and on.  It seems like sacrilege to not serve these foods on an American holy day, but what deeper meaning do they hold?  Each item on the Thanksgiving table represents a certain personality, a certain archetype which can be found on the football field before and after your Thanksgiving meal.  Here's a rundown of who represented what food yesterday on the field.

Turkey- Bryant McKinnie
Bryant McKinnie knows how to gobble.  He gobbled his way to 400 pounds during the NFL lockout this past offseason, and in the past has been accused of chronically gobbling to the detriment of his team and his personal health.  However, after being cut by the Vikings McKinnie has experienced relative success with the Baltimore Ravens this season, and yesterday's victory over the 49ers only furthers the notion that Bryant McKinnie, turkey neck and all, is not only capable of stuffing himself but also of winning football games.

Mashed Potatoes- Evan Dietrich-Smith
While it would seem that most families today buy powdered pre-made mashed potatoes, there are still some who make their mashed potatoes the old fashioned way - they actually mash them.  Dietrich-Smith represents the latter, after Ndamukong Suh tried to mash his face with his cleat during the Packers' victory over the Lions yesterday.  Technically this means Dietrich-Smith is still just a potato, but close enough right?

Stuffing- Frank Gore
More accurately, Gore was stuffed by the Ravens, who held him to 39 yards on 14 carries yesterday.  Everyone makes their stuffing a little differently; some people include celery, others include raisins or their bastard brother, craisins.  Frank Gore filled his stuffing with dirt, lactic acid and nothing to show for it.

Cranberry- Jason Witten
Much like cranberry, Jason Witten is smooth, sweet and can knock you on your behind.  Jason Witten's romantic advances yesterday left a cheerleader beside herself on the Dallas sideline.  What a sweet guy, sneaking up on her from behind just to say hello.  He truly is a smooth operator, just like cranberry.

Pecan Pie- Johnny Jolly
Technically, Johnny Jolly is no longer a member of the Green Bay Packers - he's traded in his green and yellow for some bright orange, joining the State Penitentiary team.  Pecan Pie is often sweet, but a little nutty.  Jolly has proven throughout his career (and arrest record) that he's a little crazy, and interested in sweet tasting things (Purple Drank, for instance).  This southern dessert and southern defender go hand in hand.  

Joe Silvestro is a regular contributor to Sports Casual, check back every Funday Friday for his witticisms concerning the Wide World of Sports.  Email him at

1 comment:

  1. John Madden is thinking, "is this it? I said a Thanksgiving feast, not a Thanksgiving snack! Tell my chef to make me another Turducken or he's fucking fired!"