Monday, December 26, 2011

The Greatest Athlete of All Time: Kim Jong-il

Last name General. First name Invincible and Ever-Triumphant.

Although he never went to the bathroom, The Beloved and Respected Father was too busy kidnapping movie starsbeing a world class djinventing hamburgers, and saving his country from famine by breeding giant rabbits to go pro. There is no doubt that the world benefited from his selfless decision to steer clear of pro sports and instead dictate the Democratic People's Republic of North Korea. Despite never playing professionally, Kim Jong-IlThe Great Sun of Life, is the greatest athlete in history.

The first criteria for the greatest athlete is dominance in his sport(s). The greatest athlete is not the best in a made up event that awards sub-world-class skill in a number of sports; as they say: jack of all trades, master of none. He is so good at the sports that he competes in that no one cares about his ability in other sports.

The second criteria is talent in multiple sports. The greatest athlete needs to have a wide range of skills that cover a wide range of sports. Being good at football and rugby, or bocce ball and curling, earns no extra points. On the contrary, baseball and football require vastly different skill sets and thus require a great athlete to excel at both.

The third criteria is playing sports that people have access to. Success in sports with location or money barriers to playing are discounted. An athlete who is dominant in a sport that has a low participation rate would probably not be professional if other people tried it, and he also doesn't get paid. Athletes in sports that aren't played in America are immediately removed from consideration because the best non-American at something is probably about the hundredth best in the world. Sorry, men's field hockey.

The Ever-Victorious, Iron-Willed Commander sweeps all three criteria. The first time he golfed, he shot a 34 (-38) with 11 holes-in-one at the 7,700 yard Pyongyang Golf Course. No PGA golfer could beat that score in mini golf. More impressive, The Great Sun of the Nation did this at age 52. His natural athleticism was so overwhelming that it transcended both age and preparation. Naturally, his athleticism was too much for the low ceiling of bowling. In his first game at Pyongyang Lanes, The Bright Sun of the 21st Century rolled a 300. Just like when you stop playing baseball in your friend's backyard because it's too easy to hit a homerun, The Great Man Who Descended From Heaven never returned to bowling. Although golf and bowling are not very popular sports, they cover a large part of the American population because there is little overlap between participants. Who goes from the country club to $3 pitcher night at the alley? While golf has a cost barrier to entry that prohibits young potential athletes, the barrier's effect is minimized because all professional athletes golf after their season ends; not all potential athletes golf, but all proven ones do.


  1. 11 hole-in-ones? I'd expect nothing less from a guy with a branch of his military consisting of prostitutes dedicated solely to fulfilling his sexual fantasies.

    No pun intended.

  2. The sports world missed out.

  3. Im glad you have honored my late great general

  4. Bowling is a hobby, not a sport.