Breaking News: Miami Heat players admit: “We forgot to learn how to play basketball this offseason”

With all of the hype surround the Miami Heat going into the season, an 8-6 start has to be considered an immense disappointment. How is it that a team with 3 star players (James, Wade, and of course, Eddie House) could have such a lackluster first month of play, boasting a record identical to that of the Portland Trailblazers?

Well, we may have our answer. A Miami Heat player who wishes to remain anonymous recently explained the situation:

As soon as we found out we’d have James, Bosh, and Wade, we knew we’d have to practice a lot. And we did. We practiced photo shoots. We practiced standing behind them looking tough. We practiced behaving arrogantly to the media. We even had an exhibition preseason rally in preparation of our actually preseason rally. Unfortunately, with all this going on, we forgot to learn how to play basketball this offseason.

The Heat didn’t plan on going into the season cold. Apparently, there was a practice scheduled the day before the opener vs. the Celtics. We got there at 1 pm, ready to go, said another Heat player. We were about to start practicing when LeBron couldn’t decide: red headband or white headband? By the time we figured it out, it was time for Bosh’s nap.

This lack of drive makes sense, really. Practice is superfluous for the already ESPN-crowned NBA champions of the next 6 years.  But the Heat, who would at least like to entertain the 500 or so fans in their building, realize that they need to do better.

We’ve starting getting down to business. We haven’t picked up a basketball yet, but we have practiced forgiving LeBron for turning the ball over, hugging D. Wade when he goes 3 for 19, and destroying all the paperwork that would send Chris Bosh on a trip to the D-League.

Soon to be ex-coach Eric Spolestra declined to comment on the lack of practice. He did, however, comment on the Haslem injury. We’re sad to lose such an important player, Spolestra said. But as a team, you have to move on. We'll be starting an ottoman at the center position. We think it gives us the best chance to win.