Countdown Friday: 5 Ways to Spend Your 4th

Let’s face it: as wonderful, compelling, joy-inducing, and gut-wrenching as sports can be, these past few months have been kind of a buzz kill.

The NHL successfully managed to shatter the former oxy moron “anticlimactic Stanley Cup winning overtime goal.” “Is it in? It is??? Oh.” If I had a nickel.

In basketball, we saw the most “foul” NBA Finals in recent memory. (See what I did there?) If you switched on the games to watch the three guys with whistles, you were in luck. The rest of us were left befuddled, furious, or just downright bored.

It isn’t September yet, so everything in baseball is by definition yawn inducing.

We even got to enjoy soccer for a few weeks. For the first time in World Cup history, the United States team had expectations. That means that for the first time in World Cup history, they failed to meet those expectations. “Laten we gaan Nederland!”

So what do us sports fans do now? I’m glad you asked. Here are the top five ways to spend your Fourth of July weekend:

5. Watch Wimbledon – SPOILER ALERT: Nadal and Serena win.

4. Grab yourself a vuvuzela and go nuts – I’ll be honest: I love these things. Far from ruining the World Cup, the cheap plastic horn is as much a part of the tournament as mistakes by referees. When you turn on the TV and hear that overpowering buzzing, you know you’re watching the World Cup. Just like when you turn on the TV and you see empty seats, you know you’re watching the WNBA. Or the Florida Marlins. But I digress.

Look at it this way: would you rather listen to a chorus of vuvuzelas for 2 hours, or the trio of Mike Breen, Mark Jackson, and Jeff van Gundy incessantly fertilize the ego of former rapist and current NBA douchebag Kobe Bryant? That’s what I thought. That’ll be 60 rand.

3. Get in touch with your American heritage – No one can blame you for hopping on the World Cup bandwagon – the win vs. Algeria was amazing. But if you weren’t a soccer fan going in, you probably felt a little dirty—dare I say un-American—enjoying all the hype. Well, what better way to wash your hands of soccer than with the most American sport out there: competitive gluttony.

2. Immerse yourself in the NBA free agent frenzy – Take advantage of it while you have the chance. It’s only a matter of time before all of the players end up exactly where they were before.

1. Take a sports break – Maybe you just need to turn the TV off for a few days. Why not work on that tan, or grill copious amounts of meat this weekend? And when the Fourth rolls around, don’t forget to sit back and enjoy the fireworks. I know I will.