Welcome to Sportsville. Population: Not Much.

Here are all the games, events, and various other happenings that I'm looking forward to this week:

(Cue the tumbleweed)

See, "it's a metaphor for a crap [week in sports]." That's right, the next few days are as barren as the Gobi. I think I'm in withdrawal. My remote control thumb is twitching. If there's one thing Tiger Woods taught us this year, it's that sex rehab exists. I mention this because I'm hoping that's sports rehab is a real place too. If it is, sign me up.

So let me phrase the opening a different way. Here are things that are happening in sports this week that I may or may not pay attention to:

The Tour de France - If I had to choose between watching professional cycling or NASCAR, I'd choose death. But hey, the winner pockets 450,000 euros ($566,000+), so I guess somebody cares.

The MLS Regular Season - It's certainly no World Cup, but at least American soccer fans have something to watch during the "World Cup hangover."

The MLB All-Star Break - If you've never watched the annual celebrity softball game, I highly recommend it. But that's about the only event in Anaheim worth watching this week. The Home Run Derby is fun for about 30 minutes. Watching players take swing after swing is, in the words of Mitch Hedberg, like pancakes - "all exciting at first, but by the end you're fucking sick of them." And as far as the actual game goes, I'm sure we're in line for another 3-2 barnburner.

An MLB All-Star Game Aside:

The "This Time It Counts" rule (World Series home-field advantage goes to the all-star game winner) is one of the dumbest ideas in the history of sports. The MLB all-star game is treated like an exhibition in every other way possible (just look at guys like Ty Wigginton and Evan Meek making the team because every club has to be represented). Imagine if the Boston Celtics had home court in game 7 against the Lakers because the East edged the West by 2 points in Dallas. A championship could eventually be decided by this rule. It's an absolute farce, yet almost what we'd expect from incompetent commissioner Bud Selig.

The NBA Summer League - Every summer, the NBA executives use this "league" as an excuse to go hang out in Orlando and Las Vegas. If I were an NBA exec, I'd do that anyway. No excuse necessary.

A golf tournament - I forget which one, but chances are it won't be exciting.

One thing that never gets old? Twiggy the waterskiing squirrel. Perhaps the highlight of the week.