Christmas Gifts

Now that I've finally finished those annoying finals and all this Christmas shopping, time to get back to what's important in life: lesser-known sports blogs. In the spirit of the holidays, I figured there were a few people in the sporting world who could really use some gifts. So I present to you my holiday gift list.

I bought Carl Crawford some money clips...let's see, $142,000,000, each money clip can generously hold 20 bills, and if each bill is $100...that's 71,000 money clips.

I bought Brett Favre a time machine so he can go back to 2008 and stay retired. But I kept the receipt just incase he wants to continue destroying his legacy.

I wanted to buy the New Jersey Devils a $100 million doormat, but they already have one. So instead I got them some golf clubs so they'll have something to do come April.

I bought Rex Ryan a pair of new fuzzy socks. You know, for uh, wearing and stuff.

I was going to buy LeBron James a lump of coal but instead I settled for a pile of ash. That's for giving us the worst hour of television in this young decade, you jerk.

I set Michael Phelps up on a date with Miley Cyrus, because apparently they have a lot in common.

I bought Ben Roethlisberger and Kobe Bryant a get out of jail free card in case they're ever out on the town and feeling entitled again.

Finally, I wanted to get a present for Tom Brady, but what do you get the man who has everything? I could make a hair joke, but frankly, I think the flowing locks are working wonders. Gisele doesn't seem to mind. So I got Tom a Patriots Snuggie. Why not?